August 29, 2021

“What’s so Good about Marriage?  Fidelity” 

    Scripture:  Ruth 1:16-17 

Prelude: Rosemary Nettrouer, “Arietta,” by Grieg

Announcements  

Thank you, Rosemary, for the music.  Thanks for technical support by Michael Barrett, Joe Dawley, and Erin DeGroot, with music coordination by Dawn Blue.   

• Thank you for wearing your mask to help protect the unvaccinated among us.  – We are monitoring the current situation and believe the safety measures we have in place are good enough. 
• Offering plates are near the front and the back of the meeting room.  Thank you!  
• We are worshiping in person and live streaming on Facebook and the church website (wichitaquakers.org).  
  • Please feel free to share our worship with your Facebook friends by posting a link.   
  • Please also feel free to comment on the Facebook page with prayer concerns, announcements, or words of ministry.  
  • And if you worship with us online only and would like to be more connected, please leave a message on the Facebook page or the church website.  
• Church activities this week:
  • Sunday, August 29, 11:00 am, 205 Sunday School Class
  • Tuesday, August 31, 7:00 pm, Good Times Squares Dance

Welcome & Greeting

Music: “Revive Us Again,” Hymn #20

Call to Worship: Isaiah 40:31 (NRSV)

Those who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.

Centering Meditation

Music: ”He Leadeth Me,” Hymn #364

Prayer Concerns 

• Our church’s pastoral search (One person has applied.) 
• People affected by Covid:
  • Nikki Holland (Belize, FUM)
  • Debbie Busch (sister of Greg Newby and Vonda Schuster) improving
  • Catherine’s cousin Luke improving but still having breathing problems
  • Dan Schuster recovering
  • Brad Blue (firefighter, son of Judy Blue) has tested positive
  • Craig Newby’s family of Pratt, Kansas 
• Adversity around the world, for example, Afghanistan, Haiti, the pandemic, and forest fires
• Students, teachers, administrators, staff, families as school starts

Pastoral Prayer

God of infinite love and light

“What’s so Good about Marriage?  Fidelity”

    Scripture:  Ruth 1:16-17 

At our June Monthly Meeting for worship with attention to business, we suggested that maybe it’s time to consider approving Great Plains Yearly Meeting’s “Statement of Inclusion.” 

In light of that, I embarked on a series of messages about the theology of marriage and sexuality.   I have looked at Genesis 1 as well as the passages of the Bible that people point to when they want to condemn same-sex relationships.

In the end, those passages don’t provide as strong a foundation for the condemning point of view as might at first appear.   At least in part that’s because the Bible doesn’t answer the questions we are asking. The Bible simply doesn’t consider the idea of a sexual orientation, nor does it consider the possibility of a loving, committed same-sex relationship or marriage (Griffith dissertation, 13). 

So, now I’m looking at the Western Christian theology of marriage to see how it might apply to the questions that we’re trying to find answers to, beginning with the thoughts of Augustine, a bishop in northern Africa, who tackled the theology of marriage in the year 401. 

Two weeks ago, I talked about children as one of the things that’s good about marriage.  I said, “One reason marriage is good is because it provides for the having and raising of children.”  I also noted that “the Christian tradition has, from its earliest days, said couples who can’t have children can participate in this good in a variety of ways.  And the Christian tradition has, from its earliest days, recognized that having and raising children isn’t the only reason to get married. Loving each other has value in itself.” 

Last week, I looked at marriage as a means of grace.  I said that marriage is a relationship in which two people can become as one and that through loving and being loved by another human being, people can learn to love and be loved by God.  

This week, I’m talking about fidelity or faithfulness.   

Considering why marriage is good, Augustine noted that marriage includes … the obligation of mutual fidelity….  He applauded fidelity as a ‘great good of the soul,’ a virtue that is good in itself, even when it has to do with ‘material and base things’ such as sex and marriage.  Fidelity is a characteristic of holiness and signifies Christian unity.  

Augustine’s treatment of fidelity also discussed relationships outside of marriage.  He maintained that fidelity is better than faithlessness even within an extra-marital relationship. (Griffith, dissertation, 202) 

For Augustine, faithfulness in marriage meant mainly avoiding adultery.  He saw support for this idea in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, which in the New Revised Standard Version reads, 

³ The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. ⁴ For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

A husband and wife keep themselves for each other sexually.  And that’s what fidelity is all about.   Not. 😊 

A lot of people have pointed out that this perspective 

… too narrowly focuses on sexual faithfulness so that, as long as one refrains from having [sex] with anyone other than a spouse, one has met the obligations of fidelity.  Although most would agree that this would be the least that fidelity required, few would argue that it represents a full account of marital faithfulness. (Griffith, 208) 

Nevertheless, when we think about how fidelity might apply to same-sex couples, we could say that “same-sex couples who pledge and practice fidelity could meet the conditions required to consider their relationships equivalent to marriage, and such a move would support the good of fidelity (a good in itself and helpful in avoiding sin) … (Griffith, 210).

At its best, the Western Christian tradition’s emphasis on fidelity recognizes that sexuality has social and personal aspects with the potential for good and evil and, on the personal level, aims to provide a context in which intimacy can develop.  To the extent that fidelity fosters healthy relationships, one might contend that society ought to support it for same-sex as well as heterosexual couples. (Griffith 254)

For a more complete understanding of faithfulness, I turn to one of my favorite books about sexual ethics: Love Does No Harm by Marie Fortune, a United Church of Christ minister.  

This book sets out guidelines for sexual relationships, and the author presents them as queries.   Among her guidelines is this one: “Am I faithful to my promises and commitments?”  In her view, faithfulness is more than avoiding adultery.  She says, “Faithfulness can be fulfilled through truthfulness, promise keeping, attention, and the absence of violence” (p. 129).   I’m going to go through each of those in turn. 

1. “Truth-telling,” Fortune writes, “is fundamental to building a trusting relationship. … It certainly includes not intentionally deceiving the other person.  But it also means not avoiding painful issues or leaving out bits of information that are important” (p. 130).  

Fortune continues, 

If I am trying to be truthful in my relationship, then I ask myself these questions:  What is it that I am avoiding telling her in order to avoid reality and the pain it may cause for me? I might say, ‘No, I’m not angry,’ when I am, but don’t want to deal it. What is it that she needs to know in order to deal with reality?  I may say, ‘I’m in a really bad mood and it has nothing to do with you so don’t take it personally,’ or ‘I really need some time alone right now….’  Neither of these pieces of news is particularly welcome, but … they help make sense of what is happening.  … Being faithful means trying, day in and day out, to be truthful with my partner. (p. 131, emphasis in text)

It’s hot, and I’m grumpy.  It has nothing to do with you.  😊 That’s truthfulness.

2. Fidelity or faithfulness also involves keeping promises.  

Here’s Fortune on that: 

To make a commitment to another person involves making promises. … Promises are the particulars of a relationship, the things that matter, the things that two people need to hash out and come to some agreement about if they are to fulfill their responsibility of faithfulness to each other (p. 132). 

Two people cannot and should not promise that they will never change…. But we can promise to try to tell each other as we change so that we stay genuinely present in the relationship (pp. 133-134). 

3. Attention 

Faithfulness in an intimate relationship requires attention. … Attention means that I am aware of my partner and her activities and needs, that these things matter to me, that I am available to listen, to be as supportive as possible, and that I can expect this attention from her to my needs as well.  This does not mean that I dedicate my life to taking care of her.  She can take care of herself and would prefer to.  What I have to guard against is taking her and our relationship for granted (Fortune, p. 134).  

There will certainly be times when we will be distracted by necessity.  When my parent is ill and in need of caretaking, when I have a deadline to meet on an important project, during the World Series, it is appropriate to ask my partner and my relationship to make space for me to focus elsewhere for awhile.  But I shouldn’t make it a habit over time.  When I do, if I am honest with myself, I realize that I am really avoiding my relationship.  I have to make time for it, focus on it all along the way, if I am to be faithful (Fortune, p. 135).  

4. The Absence of Violence 

Faithfulness in an intimate relationship means no violence.  Period.  To use physical force, to threaten, intimidate, or frighten an intimate partner is an act of infidelity (Fortune, p. 135).  

What’s so good about marriage?  Fidelity, and that can be fulfilled and nurtured through truthfulness, promise keeping, attention, and the absence of violence.

As I mentioned earlier, Augustine thought that fidelity or faithfulness is a good of the soul, characteristic or holiness, and a sign of Christian unity.  In that way, faithfulness is an important virtue in our life together as a congregation.  

Our life together needs to include these same characteristics of faithfulness:

• Truthfulness – not intentionally deceiving one another, not avoiding painful issues, not leaving out bits of information that are important  
• Keeping promises, following through on commitments 
• Attention to our life together – coming to worship, serving on committees, holding one another in prayer 
• Absence of violence – no threatening, no bullying

Holiness and Christian unity require no less.   

Open Worship:

                Enjoy the quiet as a respite from life’s busyness.

                Connect with God and with one another in prayer.

                Open yourself to the healing Light of God’s Spirit.

                Find grounding in love and gratitude.

                Share vocal ministry as God leads.

Benediction

Postlude: Rosemary Nettrouer